Saturday, March 31, 2007

moving out of lurkdom

I think I am going to start commenting on blogs more often now. I have been lurking for a very long time, and if I want to continue reading them, which I do, I need to participate. I also need to push myself to put my thoughts and opinions out there, and not keep them bottled up inside.

I am not sure about linking back here, though. This is really not a public blog, although I guess it could become one.

So, my plan for April is to comment at least 10 times. Who knows, I may even learn to like it!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

brain vs. body

i am not able to focus my efforts on exercising, running, and losing weight because i am focusing on school.

i can't wait until may so that i may redouble my efforts on the body front. i feel horrible, and it's because i haven't been running. my body needs it, but my brain needs to get this work done so i don't fail.



what does it mean to drop a friendship because the other person is acting in ways that you don't approve of? how can one remain friends yet be true to one's own values and beliefs. on the one hand, it is not my life that you directly are affecting and even if so, you have to do what's best for you. on the other hand, you are the company you keep. aren't you?
what does it mean for the solidity of a friendship when you have seen two of this person's close friendships dissolve because the friends did not behave in a way she deemed appropriate, and their choices led them to a lifestyle and reality that's different from hers? how safe should i feel in this friendship? is this a friendship that will sustain me through a difficult time, or is it at the mercy of this person's whims? do i want a friendship with someone who can throw away a friendship like that? i know that i do not have the best track record when it comes to friendships, but i think i am able to take each of my friends where they are and be their friend regardless. we all do things others don't/won't approve of, but aren't friends supposed to be there for us in spite of/because of our faults.

I am struggling because i like this person and feel she has good energy overall, but the way she is treating my friend ( who used be our friend) is giving me reason for concern. I feel a need to pull away from this person because i don't like her actions, but that feels quite hypocritical. Shouldn't I be able to be her friend despite her faults? a difference is, i guess, is that her faults can/will have a direct impact on our friendship while my other friend's shortcomings and choices do not really impact me at all. (except for the fact that she moved.) I am not sure what to do and how to do it. I am really torn.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

up and down

up: my weight
This is not a surprise. I didn't exercise all week, and my eating was not what it should have been. I am not falling off the wagon. I am taking it all in stride.

down: the amount of Access projects I have to do
I am doing much better than I was for Excel.

Today was a good day. I was fairly focused at work today, completing 3 projects and outlining the rest. I should be able to take it a week early, which would end my semester that much sooner. It would also let me get moving on my research project and learning HTML and DreamWeaver. Most importantly, however, it would let me reconnect with my house and kids.

I am soooo excited about my upcoming trip with the kids. It will be a blast.

I am feeling disconnected from my friends. What can I do to make it different???

I cooked today before work. NBA put it in the oven. Small steps...

Saturday, March 24, 2007

off the wagon...

...but not out of the race.

This week has been horrible exercise and eating wise. I don't expect my weight loss trend to continue. Tomorrow will begin week 1 again.

I have not binged, however, which is progress for me.

My cooking has been nonexistent lately. I need a spark to get me back in the game.

same soup, warmed over

Friday was a relatively good day. I packed another full van load of items to donate/recycle/dump from the garage. I also rearranged things to make it more kid friendly.
This summer I think NBA and I are going to try and hang drywall in the garage and rearrange hooks and shelves. I also want to get the floor redone (do it ourselves) with that special garage paint. M has been sleeping better since we started cleaning it, so I want to get it finished. The door is open a lot during the summer and my vanity is kicking in a little bit. I am tired of having 'that' garage.

I also cleared off the shelf between the kitchen and dining room. My goal for the next 30 days is to keep that clear, save a candle and/or flowers. It makes a huge difference in how the house looks.

Thirdly, I cleaned up the excess stuff in the dining room. I still have to figure out what to do with the top of the cabinet.

Fourthly, we decided to really make the basement more of a playroom. The problem with the living room is too many toys. Moving many of them downstairs will make a HUGE difference.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

don't know why i am posting...

...but here i am.
nothing much to report. i passed my excel test, totally threw off NBA's schedule, and got a major headache. last night i ate two bowls of raisin bran after dinner. i have a ringing headache right now. i think i am just exhausted. going to bed early tonight should help. i can't take my customary break after finishing a test/project because i have TOO much left to do. i can take tonight off, but i must accomplish at least two things on my list tomorrow.

signing off...

Monday, March 19, 2007

the domino effect

i spent naptime today listening to school lectures instead of napping. after naptime i spent 20-30 minutes decluttering. (20 more Christmas bags gone. That is JUST RIDICULOUS!!!) I also did art with the kids, helped L with his homework, and cooked dinner.
I am incredibly tired, but i feel better because i got some stuff done. I don't know if I can commit to not napping everyday, but today feels really good because of it. I made progress (small steps are steps) on a number of fronts. If i just keep going, it will get done.

i am a runner

this is the result of my working out these past 3 months.
i am very excited, if you couldn't already tell. ;)

my new goal: 2 miles in 24 minutes. (once i meet this goal i will be able to meet my 5k 40:00 goal because even walking the last mile will put me in at 40 min)

i feel so good. i am so proud of myself. i really didn't think i would get here. the reality of running an entire 5k is becoming clearer and clearer.

weight loss is still important; i am on week 4 of weight loss( I hope). BUT, I am much more interested in developing my identity as a runner. the weight loss will come. my attention and focus needs to be on building my runner's body. this means incorporating strength training and stretching more consistently.

I am not going to jump too far ahead of myself here and make huge projections about what i want to do, so for now i will just concentrate on my 5k goal. i think i may ultimately revise it to 30 minutes or less, depending on how my training progresses.

Looking ahead to 2008, though, I might look toward an 8k/10k as a goal. If I am running 3 miles comfortably by fall/winter, doubling that will not be as daunting.

Given my life circumstances right now, it makes much more sense for me to bang it out at a higher intensity because i don't have the luxury of time. knowing that I can do 2 miles during M's swim class is great rather than worrying because i don't have 45 minutes to complete 3 miles.

I am a runner.
I won't proclaim myself as such publicly, but I have added a new identity to my web. And it feels good.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

weekly reflection

i had a rough week, motivation wise.
i purged and clean some stuff, but definitely not enough.
i have not worked enough on school work; i am getting down to the wire and finding it very difficult to get going.
i have also been spending money, especially on eating out.
i can't even write coherent paragraphs on my blog.

i lost weight again this week.
i exercised moderately.
i have a feng shui plan for the living room that won't cost a ton of money.
i bought some new spring pants from salvation army.
i didn't eat after dinner 5 days this week.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

bullets of progress

  • The scale has moved down three weeks in a row. Today's number was lower than I have seen in a while. Just 4 more pounds and I will be on to losing new pounds, not the same 5-10 I have been losing again and again the past 2 years.
  • I took a trunkful of stuff to the Salvation Army, ReUse Center, and Recycle Center yesterday and today. NBA and I both used the nice weather to get the garage cleaned out. We still have a ways to go, but at least we can park one car in there. Just in time for the spring showers. ;)
  • I went to bed last night instead of staying up and having a snack. Yes, it means I didn't get all my work done, but I did make progress on my body goal.
  • I finished one preschool task on time!
  • I finished one school related task today. I just have to get it in the mail!

Sunday, March 11, 2007


Wow! It's been a month since I updated. Taking the time off and then rereading my old posts really made me value journaling/blogging as a tool. The motivation, hope and progress apparent in my posts is wonderful. They were a great reminder of my journey, and that I am making a difference even when I don't see it.

Some quick updates:

1. 5k in 41 minutes (treadmill with some holding on, but still I did it.) I am getting closer to my goal. It now feels real to me. I am still at the beginning stages, and have a long way to go, but it is in my sight.
2. I have been sticking to my exercise goal in general.
3. I am down to 175 pounds. I have had three straight weeks of weight loss.
4. We paid off the Honda. One 2007 financial goal accomplished!!!!!!
5. I have been purging pretty regularly. I have gotten rid of over 300 things this month alone.

Other reflections:

Today I made a conscious choice to eat breakfast at home and pack a lunch for work from home. I even brought tea from home. I am proud not because I did it, but because I resisted the alternative.

I have started an eating reduction plan that has worked for me in the past. Basically I am not eating anything after dinner. I can eat dessert immediately after dinner if I am not full, but then NOTHING. No tea with honey/sugar, no hot chocolate, nothing with calories. When I did it before I lost 5 pounds pretty easily. It's not surprising, really, because each nightly snack is approx. 300 calories, which is almost 3 pounds a month. So, subtracting that from my daily intake as well as the extra calories burned through exercise will be beneficial to achieving my goal faster.

I am giving myself permission to take a school break this spring/summer. I am losing motivation, and my output is not up to the level I expect for myself, so I am going to stop and regroup. I will have time before summer vacation to get myself and our house in order. I will be able to relax and enjoy my family without worrying about school or doing school work. I enjoy the school work I do, and I want to become a librarian which is why I am breaking now instead of later. I don't want to just plow through and not enjoy it or get the most out of it. I would rather slow down and enjoy the journey. I think my GPA will appreciate it as well.

The sun that has accompanied March has been so wonderful for my soul. My body has not taken full advantage of it yet, but I feel so much better waking up to sunshine, watching my cat sleep in the sun-filled living room, knowing that our evening activities will not end in darkness.

The beginning of new life, the renewal of the earth, is such a powerful time of year. I am feeling it myself. The hard work I have done over the winter, working out, cleaning/purging, is finally bearing fruit. I am seeing small results, just like the tiny buds beginning to appear. With careful attention and proper care, they will continue to grow and blossom. Just like my house and body will continue to come into their own and blossom like the true precious flowers/trees/vegetables/fruits/grasses they are!!